


One thing and the same

by Lleu



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 04:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lleu/pseuds/Lleu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:</i><br/><i>Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;</i><br/><i>Selves—goes itself; myself it speaks and spells;</i><br/><i>Crying</i> Whát I dó is me: for that I came.</p><p>Raleigh never had a chance to come out to Yancy before the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The mind, mind has mountains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall_   
>  _Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap_   
>  _May who ne’er hung there._
> 
> Chapter title and epigram from Gerard Manley Hopkins's sonnet "No worst, there is none...". I should note that I am ignoring any background information not present in the movie except things like what "relay gel" is called.

The first time they drifted, all Raleigh could think was, _Don't let him find out_.

Intellectually, he knew there was nothing wrong with being...well, gay. Hell, they were even saying _Texas_ would legalize gay marriage soon. And it wasn't that he thought Yancy would hate him, or anything like that. He knew his brother better than that.

But.

There was still _something_. He just wasn't ready for Yancy to know. It wasn't like it made a huge impact on his life, anyway, being gay. There wasn't a lot of time for dating on the side of training. Most of the time he got back to his room too tired to jack off, let alone think seriously about _emotions_.

But he wasn't ready. _Don't let him find out_. The technicians attached the shoulder plates. He wasn't ready. _Don't let him find out_. The spine. He wasn't ready. _Don't let him find out_. The helmet came down over his head. He closed his eyes. There was a moment of complete darkness as he waited for the relay gel to clear.

"You ready, kid?" Yancy's voice came through the helmet now.

"Always," Raleigh said. His voice was steady. _Don't let him find out_. He knew he should clear his mind, 'Carry nothing into the drift,' the way Pentecost always said. _Easier said than done_ , he thought wryly.

Pentecost's voice came through the helmet: "You know the theory, gentlemen; now let's try the practice. If you'll both step forward, you'll find your boots fit onto the plates on the floor in front of you."

"Yes, sir," Raleigh said, smiling as he heard Yancy say it at the same time. Not all siblings were drift compatible, but it was obvious to anyone who spent more than about ten minutes with the Becket brothers that they were. They were the perfect Jaeger team. Well, in training, at least. Which was why Raleigh didn't want to ruin it now. He stepped forward, shifting his feet until he felt them lock into place. This was it. No turning back. The complicated machinery of the training room shifted behind him. He looked straight ahead, standing as tall as he could, remembering Pentecost's instructions. He felt the drift mechanism latch onto the spine of his suit.

"Yancy, are you ready?" came Pentecost's voice.

"Sir, yes, sir," Yancy answered.

"Raleigh?" Pentecost asked.

Raleigh took a deep breath. "Yes, sir."

"Good. In just a moment, we'll initiate the neural handshake. If it's successful, we'll let you stay in the drift for sixty seconds, then pull you out. Remember: keep your minds clear. Memories will intrude: do not latch onto them. Don't chase RABITs." Raleigh kept himself from nodding impatiently: they knew this already. They'd heard it every day for the last six months: don't let yourself get caught up in a memory. Don't try to control what comes to the surface. _Don't let him find out_.

"All right, gentlemen. Initiating neural handshake in three...two...one..."

Raleigh felt his whole body jerk as he was suddenly flooded with a series of images and impressions. After the initial burst, he could already feel his mind clearing enough to sort through them and see they were from Yancy: memories of their childhood; obviously Yancy'd been thinking brotherly thoughts lately. Yancy's memories mixed with some of his own: watching the news in horror as the first kaiju attacked San Francisco. The arrival of the Jaeger program scout. Then, to his dismay, words: _Don't let him find out I'm_ —

He tried to shove the thought away, knowing as he did so that he was going against their training. He felt a surge of emotion from Yancy as he struggled against the last word. Then the connection broke.

"What happened?" he heard Yancy ask.

"The drift didn't take," came Pentecost's voice again. "Take five minutes, collect yourselves, then we'll try again."

As shocking as the initial link had been, the sudden silence was more so, somehow. Raleigh turned to look at his brother, who was clearly as disconcerted as he was.

"You okay, bro?" Raleigh asked, trying to cover his alarm with false bravado. He knew he was the reason the drift had failed. He wouldn't let it happen again. He couldn't disappoint Yancy.

"I was about to ask you the same question," Yancy said wryly. "That was intense, huh?"

"You can say that again," Raleigh agreed. They stood in silence for a long moment, still catching their breaths.

"Don't worry," Yancy said finally. "Pentecost said it happens all the time — it doesn't mean anything. We'll take a deep breath and go again."

"I know," Raleigh said, forcing himself to grin. "We can do it."

Yancy grins fiercely back at him, flashing a bit of teeth. "A little drift anxiety's not going to hold back the Becket brothers."

"That's right," Raleigh said. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. The rising panic he'd felt before they drifted was subsiding. All he had to do was focus on something else: focus on Yancy. Focus on being a pilot. Focus on kaiju. On keeping the world safe. He could do that.

"Ready to try again?" Pentecost asked a minute later.

"Yes, sir," they answered in unison. Raleigh glanced at his brother, who winked back. They could do this.


	2. And under be my bows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _When will you ever, Peace, wild wooddove, shy wings shut,_   
>  _Your round me roaming end, and under be my boughs?_
> 
> Chapter title and epigram from Gerard Manley Hopkins's curtal sonnet "Peace".

Every time Raleigh thought he'd settled on the worst thing about Yancy being—gone, he found something else. Of every little thing that came up in the weeks after their encounter with Knifehead, though, the one that hit him hardest was that he hadn't had a chance to come out to his brother.

After that disastrous first drift, which they'd never talked about again, Raleigh had gotten very good at limiting what he brought with him into the drift. Memories of their childhood: the time he'd broken his wrist wrestling with Yancy under the kitchen table, the time their mother forgot to set a timer and almost burned down the house, the time he dared Yancy to go for a swim in the harbor in the middle of winter and Yancy _did_. It was easy, once he got the hang of it. Pentecost often said, "Carry nothing into the drift.", but what he really meant, Raleigh thought, was "Carry nothings into the drift" — details, moments, images, impressions, rather than conscious thoughts.

Years passed. Raleigh learned to control not just what he brought with him into the drift but also what he let into his head at all. He got very good at deflecting girls who recognized him at bars and dodging subtle (and unsubtle) questions from the media about his love life. He hardly thought about it, most of the time, and when he did it was usually only for a few minutes alone in bed at night. If Yancy ever wondered about his brother's apparent disinterest in romance, he never said anything, and Raleigh never caught anything about it from him when they were drifting.

They fought kaiju. They were damn good at it, too. Or they had been. But not good enough.

And he never told Yancy before—before the end.


	3. Uncumbered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Man’s spirit will be flesh-bound when found at best,_   
> _But uncumbered: meadow-down is not distressed_   
> _For a rainbow footing it nor he for his bónes rísen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and epigram from Gerard Manley Hopkins's sonnet "The Caged Skylark".

Of course, within minutes of Herc stopping the clock, the first media representatives arrived. It took about five seconds for Mako and Raleigh to be mobbed by cameras and microphones after they got off the helicopters. It was after 2am by the time Herc was finally able to get rid of the last one, a reporter from _Le Monde_ who wouldn't let Raleigh go once he found out he spoke French.

"Fuck, I'm exhausted," Raleigh said, yawning expansively. Herc simply inclined his head significantly at the couch where Mako was sitting. Raleigh looked and saw that she was already asleep.

"Should we wake her up or leave her here?" Herc asked quietly.

"Better get her back to her room," Raleigh said; then, a little louder: "Mako!"

"んん、寝たいなあ…" she said, not opening her eyes.

"Wouldn't you rather do that in your bed than on that chair?" Raleigh suggested.

"Fine," she said, opening her eyes and struggling to her feet. Raleigh offered her a hand up but she ignored it.

"I'll do my best to keep the press off your backs so you can sleep a while," Herc said, "but I can't promise the UN won't make me call you in early."

"Understood," Raleigh said, and Mako nodded.

They made their way back to their rooms in silence, too tired for any more conversation. The halls of the Shatterdome were quiet for the first time since Raleigh had gotten there — probably the first time in years, he thought. When they arrived outside the rooms, there was a moment of awkwardness before they each went to their doors.

"See you in the morning," Raleigh said. Mako just ducked her head awkwardly and turned away. Probably too tired, Raleigh guessed as he closed the door behind him, slipped out of his clothes, and collapsed on his bed. Within seconds, he was fast asleep.

The sound of Herc's voice over the intercom woke him. Judging by the heaviness of his eyes as he struggled to sit up, it was earlier than he would have liked.

"I hate to do this to you, Raleigh, Mako, but the Security Council wants to a report directly from the two of you," he said. "Meet me in LOCCENT in ten minutes."

"Yes, sir," Raleigh and Mako said simultaneously, and Raleigh smiled: it was obvious they were drift compatible.

They emerged from their rooms at the same time, as well. Raleigh smiled and Mako flushed slightly.

"Once more into the breach, eh, Mako?" Raleigh said; Mako smiled weakly. She still looked exhausted; he suspected he did, too. "Are you holding up all right?"

"It is—" she paused, considering. "I have not had time to...process."

"I'm sorry," was all Raleigh could think of to say. "I know how much he meant to you."

"I..." she started, then trailed off and shook her head.

"Well, if you want to talk," he said, "you know I'll always be there to listen."

"Thank you," Mako said. She didn't look at him; Raleigh thought she might be crying. By the time they reached LOCCENT, though, her eyes were clear and her face was dry.

—

Talking through the whole mission to the Security Council wasn't Raleigh's idea of an ideal day after saving the world, but it probably had to be done. Knowing that the whole world would undoubtedly get to see the interview when it leaked to the press (and no matter how sure the UN might be that the session was closed, he was more sure that it _would_ leak) certainly didn't help.

Still, they got through it. And the second media blitz that followed. And the medal ceremonies, and the endless meetings, and the services for the pilots who'd died. Unsurprisingly, Pentecost's was the hardest. Even if Raleigh's heart hadn't been in his throat already, watching tears roll down Mako's cheek would have pushed him over the edge.

It was two weeks before they got more than a few minutes of quiet. They were in Vancouver, after a mercifully short recognition ceremony from the Canadian government. After successfully evading the press outside the hotel, they finally made it back to the suite of rooms they were being hosted in.

"What a day, huh?" Raleigh said as he sank into one of the armchairs in the main room. "Thank god for Canada."

"Mm," was all Mako said.

"Thinking about Pentecost?" Raleigh asked. When she didn't answer, he looked over at her. She had clearly been looking at him a moment before, but looked away rather than meeting his eyes. "What?"

"It's nothing," she said quickly.

"Mako, I've been in your head," he said. "I can tell it's not nothing. Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"It's—" She paused, choosing her words. "What you said when we were getting ready for the last drop."

"What?" That was not where he'd expected this to go.

"About...the future." She hesitated again. "I...don't feel that way about you."

It took Raleigh a few seconds to process what he was hearing. "Wha—" Then he figured it out. "—oh. Oh."

"I'm sorry." Mako stood up and turned to go into her room.

"Mako, wait," Raleigh said, standing up also. "That's—that's not what I meant."

She stopped and turned to him, making real eye contact with him for, he realized, the first time since they stepped off the helicopter at the Shatterdome.

"What I said...I just meant, it's been so long since I thought I had a future at all," he said. "And then suddenly I found myself thinking, what if we do it? What if we win? What then? That's all I meant."

Mako looked confused. "But...in the drift..."

"I was thinking about you because you're the only person who's been in my head besides my brother," Raleigh said. "We'll always have drift. I'll always be close to you, if you'll let me be. But I'm not...interested in more than that." Then the thought came to him, and for once he didn't push it away. "Mako...I'm gay."

"Oh." Her eyes widened with surprise. Then, a moment later: "Did Yancy know?"

She knew Yancy's death had been weighing on him these past weeks, in light of recent events. Raleigh opened his mouth to say "no", then stopped. He remembered their first drift, how terrified he'd been that Yancy would find out. And he remembered the wave of emotion he'd gotten from Yancy. He hadn't processed it at the time, but now he knew: it was love. His brother's unconditional love, his brother trying to reassure him in the face of his insecurities.

"I never told him before he...died," Raleigh said after a long moment, "but I think he did know."

Mako nodded. Raleigh felt lightheaded; he sat down. A weight he'd been ignoring for so long he hardly even felt it anymore lifted from his shoulders and he laughed aloud. At the same time, he felt tears welling up in his eyes.

"God," he said, shaking his head, "I'd been carrying that bit of guilt around for a long while. Sorry about this." He rubbed his eyes. Mako came over and tentatively put a hand on his shoulder.

"I am sure he would have been proud of you," she said hesitantly, and Raleigh smiled again through the tears.

"He always was."

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title and epigram from GMH's sonnet "As kingfishers catch fire...".


End file.
